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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.