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When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Being alive is so expensive.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers