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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.