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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.