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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.