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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.