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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
All I`m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us. But, whatever, be that way.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.