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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.