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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.