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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
I wish I had a friend like me
If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"