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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.