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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.