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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.