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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Ride me like you stole me.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.