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I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.