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Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
It should really be called teethpaste.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.