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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.