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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.