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If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
Do you really have to breath that much?
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.