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With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, I’m willing to go pretty much anywhere.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”