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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.