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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
When we are small, our mom`s would use really small forks as spoons to feed us...But what about Chinese moms? Would they use toothpicks?
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Gym update: not there
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....