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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?