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wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"