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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.