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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.