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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Iām a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.