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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.