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It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.