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You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.