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It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out