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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.