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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)