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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.