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I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.