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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?