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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.