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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.