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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?