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umm umm u know that school where i got the degree from
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"