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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Life is fun! You should get one.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!