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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".