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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
When my kids grow up, Iām going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say Iām bored & then just leave!
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.