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My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
So,do people in England speaks American now that people in America speaks English?
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Life`s too short for Salad..............
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP