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Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.