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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.