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Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.