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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.