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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
sleep is for people without netflix
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.