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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.