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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.