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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday