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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.