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Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.