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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
i don`t care if u don`t like me ........... i am not a facebook status:D
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
My grocery cart right now says ā Iām getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!ā And also. āI like fruit.ā
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.