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If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.