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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!