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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.