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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."