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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol