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Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!