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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Do bees even have knees?
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.