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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.