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Easy baked macaroni and cheese recipe: Boil macaroni in water.... follow the rest of the instructions on box. TADA!
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time