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So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
I just ran a .003048K
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…