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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Vodka is just amazing water.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
Bacon...need I say more
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.