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You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone