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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.