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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.