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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
exercise........you mean extra fries
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.