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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
life is too short to match socks
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.