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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"