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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.