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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Will be drunk until further notice.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...