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You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work