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Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.