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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Honk if you want to see my finger.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...