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I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...