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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.