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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.