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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.