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I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
I’m sad when my food is over.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.