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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.