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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.