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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that Iām married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.