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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
It takes balls to be a man.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like